Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.