Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.