I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
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hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
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And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.