If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
