drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Do vagina's smell?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you win again, gameday.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
