After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
