Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
