wanna go halves on a baby?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
