There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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