Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
