is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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