Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
