You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
