who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
