i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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