I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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