just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
