I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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