I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
