the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
