I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
NoShamevember. You game?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
