You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
