i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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