We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
