I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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