can we get nightvision for the apartment?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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