Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize