I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
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We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
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Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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