So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
