I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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