All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
