Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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