omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
