how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
They have beer where we have blood.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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