note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
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I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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