my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
