why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
