He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
