This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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