like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
