apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
