We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
