Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
