What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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