saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you didnt know i had herpes?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
