Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
