I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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