i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
