New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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