He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
the day after is always just damage control
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And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
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You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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