my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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