Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
