It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
