maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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