forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
