I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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