I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
