If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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