I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
