Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Dick very happy bro
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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