I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
