Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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