Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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