I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Randomize
