...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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